I could have done it..

..if I wanted to. I was almost there. Now I will just be left with these scars of remembrance that will never leave me wounded body and mind. I wanted to go so much, to leave everything behind because I had nothing to lose. I was so close, it was almost there with me. But I realised, I have everthing to lose. It doesn't matter how shit my life is, someone elses is shitter. I want to help people help themselves. This is one of those great euphoric moments in life when you almost die and suddenly you know what life has in store for you. I'm sad in a way, I have to live now. But after last night, I'm grateful for that. World, here I come. Get fucking ready.

I feel devoured by my mind.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I really wish I did. I want to talk to her so bad, about everything and nothing. But how do I keep a conversation going? I'm completely and utterly pathetic. I feel useless and a complete waste of space. I can't even do something I'm good at. I have been doing so well in my driving lessons, I can do everything perfect, but today I fucked up something serious. I don't know why, everything was going wrong. Today I wasted £44, paid £50 for the driving test on Tuesday and now have to somehow get £75 to hire the fucking car to use during the test. I didn't think there was so much money involved. And that's nothing. My car costs £600, the insurance is £1200, the tax and MOT together adds up to around £500 and then fucking petrol will be about £20 every two weeks. No London this year for me. No anywhere this year for me.

I wish I was a child again, everything was so much easier when you didn't have to worry about life.

MOOD SWING, MUCH?

I was having a great day. Well, not GREAT, but better than most. Now it's just went sour. I don't know why. Somebody please tell me why? It's because of my friend, well it's not her fault, it's mine. I'm not a good enough person for her, I'm not the best friend that she is to me. Why can't I be that for her? Why can't I be there for her? I want to hug her so bad, but it's impossible to even get a hug off when she I can't even talk to her right now. Why won't she talk to me? I'm trying to hard, and nothing. It's not her fault, nothing is ever and will ever be her fault. She's too perfect. I wish I was more like her. She is the perfect example for everything. Fuck celebrities, she should be the role model of this generation. How can somebody be so beautiful inside and out? She cares about absolutely everybody, it's so unfair that she doesn't care for me like I do her.

Is it me?

Am I just a shit conversation starter? Or does she hate me, and means to ignore me? I really don't know anymore. I don't want to all to myself, of course I want her to have other friends, but I would like to have at least a little bit of her attention. I want a text in the morning as I wake up and one before I go to sleep, I want her to ask how I am, and tell me how much she loves me several times a day. I want her to worry when I don't text back within two minutes. This is what I used to have, why can't I have it anymore? I want a best friend. Not the sort of friend that just sits there and cries with you when your boyfriend cheats on you, the kind of friend that gets you drunk after and say "Where is this bastard? I'm going to kill him!" I want that. I miss that.

Two hours, and she's spoken three sentences. I don't know what else to say. She's not interested in friendship anymore. I might as well just crawl under a rock and die.

I'm so pathetic.

I never get jealous, never. Every boyfriend I've ever had as cheated on me, and even when seeing them with their new girlfriends I'm still not jealous. Even when my boyfriend of 3 years decided to leave me for my best friend at the time, I looked at them together and I still wasn't jealous. If somebody has something I really wanted, I don't envy them, I simply do my best to try and get something better. I don't mean to be better than them because in my opinion I'm better than nobody. For the first time in my entire life, I am jealous.

I don't even know why, it's so stupid. Everything that is happening to me over these past few days have been incredibly stupid. I'm jealous, not of my best friend, but of her friends. I'm jealous of the fact that she always talks to them and I take for granted the time she talks to me. We don't talk every second of every day, but I'd love that I really would. I wish we could do that. I guess I'm selfish in a way by basically thinking that she shouldn't talk to anyone, only me. I love her too much for other people to have part of her. I'm so stupid right now, but thats kinda how I feel. She should be my friend, and mine only. I wish I didn't feel like this, I can't even talk to her now and she's right here. I wish I could but I never know what to say when I do get the chance to talk.

I get way too attached to people sometimes, I always end up pushing them away. I don't want this to happen between us, she's the greatest being I've ever known. She's perfect. Why can't I be?

I hate people, I really do.

Yes, I'm in love with you. No, I don't want to be with you. Why is this so hard to understand? The only reason he wants to be with me is because I practically live beside him and he expects me to pop round and fuck him every day? I hate guys, I hate people. I hate society. We are expected to do so much, such high potential we have, but nobody understands the fact that we can't do what they want. This is our time to shine, these are our lives, this is our generation. We fucking decide for ourselves. As for him, I don't think he'll be getting a shag from me for a long time. I still love him though.

I know this is a pointless post, but it's one of many so you have been warned.

..and though I may have lost my way, all paths lead straight to you.

I don't care if nobody reads this, ever. Maybe just by having a place to myself I can note things down, take them from my head and try to control them. Writing is the only way I can do that, and it doesn't matter that I'm a shit writer, it feels better to let it out, even if I'm the only one going to read it. Which brings me to this: if you are reading this, you are special, and you have no idea how much. Throughout my seventeen years of existence, nobody has ever received the great pleasure of 'getting into my head'. Yes, I've told my closest friends things about me I wouldn't dream of telling anyone, but this sort of stuff I'm going to write, this is serious. This is the sort of writing Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr (put together) cannot handle. Nowhere else is safe. I can't write on any of those sites because I know too many people in real life that are on them and I'm afraid of people knowing too much about me. This blog, however, I may never pass the link onto anyone, and that doesn't bother me. I don't care if nobody ever reads this shit about me, it's not as if it's interesting or anything, right? Back to the point, if you are reading this please know that I love you, and the fact that you're here means I trust you. I've never trusted anyone fully before.

Right now, I'm frustrated. There are things I wish I could do, but I can't. I just can't do anything right anymore, and I feel so useless most of the time. For example, I know several people that come to me for help about their emotions and stuff (WHAT? COME TO ME? TROLOL. YEAH BECAUSE I'M SO AWESOME LIKE) and half of the time it's about things that are out of my control. I feel worthless because I don't have the power to change their lives or make somebody love them or cure them from an illness. I love helping people, I really do. It helps me forget about my own problems. I usually give people advice that I should probably follow, but I never listen to my own advice. It usually leads me nowhere. I think my head is completely disconnected from my body sometimes. It just has a world of its own. Everything my head is thinking, my body completely disagrees with it. Why am I so unnatural?

I feel like dying sometimes. Most of the time. All of the time. There's just no point to being alive, there really isn't. Whatever I achieve in this life is worthless, I'm going to die anyway so why not make it happen sooner? Everything I work for, everything I put effort into, it's going to be meaningless in the end. Nothing will matter when the end comes. I don't believe in all that God shit. If he really did exist, why doesn't he do something about Japan? About people with cancer? Why didn't he stop another one of my friends from being killed yesterday? He was only 19 years old, and he died because God didn't have the fucking power to save him. That's what maddens me. 24 friends in two years. 24 funerals. 24 fucking lives under the age of 25 that have been taken without remorse, or regret. And all for what? Absolutely nothing. If God exists, he is the most unforgiving, vindictive, bloodthirsty, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, racist, homophobic, pestilential, meglomanical, misogynistic, masochistic, malevolent and capricious bully I have ever had the misfortune of hearing about, in my entire life (studying Philosophy does have it's peaks ^^) and I hope that I never, ever meet him. I don't believe in the Bible, or in Heaven, but I do believe in Hell. And to be honest, I can't fucking wait until I go there.

I'm not afraid of death, or how I'm going to die for that matter. I merely welcome death as an old friend (Yes, I did get that from HP7.1) and will be happy to join him again. If I were to die at this very moment, I wouldn't care. I just don't care about anything anymore, that is my problem. My emotions are numb. They have all been used up, if that is even possible. I don't know what to do in life anymore. In school today, I was chastised for not knowing exactly what I wanted to do career-wise for the next 50 years of my life. I'm sorry that a seventeen year old girl hasn't planned this in advance. Jesus fucking Christ. There are people in my school that drive me crazy. I get 5 Bs, 5 Cs and a D (still a pass xD) in my GCSEs, some fugly fucking snobby asshole bitch gets 6 A*s and 5 As and she starts crying, saying that she has failed at life and she'll never get her dream job and she must resit them as soon as possible. What the actual fuck? I was ecstatic with my results, I could have done way better if I took the time to study instead of doing other things, but at least I passed them all. I'm fucking proud of that to be honest. And then returning to school to do A Levels and all the snobby rich ass cunts stare at you like 'Uh, you got Bs and Cs, you shouldn't have been accepted back.' I'll tell you what, shut the fuck up.

My school drives me insane, mainly because of the people. There are literally 10 people in that school I like. Fucking 10 people, out of like 600/700. TEN FUCKING PEOPLE. The rest are such fucking condescending bastards whose heads are stuck so far up their own asses they can't even fucking see. I hate them. I fucking hate them all. If they died, I would laugh. In fact, I would do more than laugh. If the 10 people I liked decided to skip school with me and the school blew up with everyone else inside, I would fucking spit on every single motherfuckers grave until my mouth was numb. I hate them. Hate is such a strong word, but why isn't there anything stronger? I hate them so much that it's way beyond hate. I know I'm an insensitive fuck, but you chose to read this so fucking accept it. You know where the X button is, yeah, click it. If you really don't like what I'm writing right now, just piss off. If you managed to read this far and are continuing to read, I'm going to bake you cookies.

Insomnia is a bitch. A complete and utter bitch. #justsaying